A SIX PACK OF MY PHILOSOPHY

Life
Life tastes better in bite-size portions–easier to chew.

Relationships
Every-one says that I should learn from my mistakes, so the next time I’m in a bar and some guy comes along and asks if he can buy me a drink, I’ll say, “What for–just so you can leave me again?”

Love
Love conquers all but Alka Seltzer works faster.

Exercise
There are so many different types of exercise advertised. I saw an ad for Passive Exercise, I rang the number and the woman on the other end of the phone said that it was exercise where you don’t use your cardio-vascular system-great–must be for dead people!

Federal Politics
Whenever I think of our Prime Minister, I get the same feeling as when I’m being made love to by a man–especially the part where he says, “sorry–this doesn’t usually happen.”

Appliances
It’s well documented that pets look like their owners.
I don’t have pets, but I’ve noticed that my appliances are neurotic.
My toaster is paranoid–the two pieces don’t pop up together, one piece comes up slowly first, takes a quick look around, then let’s the other piece know that it’s safe to pop up.
My alarm clock is worried about me–it doesn’t wake me up because it thinks I need the sleep.