RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

Messages from the other side sort out the dross
8th October 2004

Only one more sleep and it's over. I'll be able to chuck out the mouth-guard that's prevented me from grinding my teeth into talc while I sleep. No more having to have an opinion which some one else will agree or disagree with to avoid knuckle-crunching silence. And no more political jokes, because as another comedian said – they usually get elected! In this last week leading up to you-know-what, the newspapers have been full of photographs of tall women in teensy skirts and humongous hats kissing horses, alongside photos of politicians kissing children. It's easy to get confused as to which race is being dissected and what the real issues are.

There are allegedly thousands of undecided voters, people who say they either don't understand or don't believe either candidate's position on major issues. A swarm of spin-doctoring bees have worked their wings off teasing us intermittently with warm fuzzy images of senior citizens happily munching on biscuits and Valium or mock scenarios of would-be terror attacks if not for the masterful and virile qualities of the Prime Minister.

I've become allergic to polls and surveys and political scientists who believe they can decipher how we think. Scientists aren't sure why toast always lands buttered side down, how can the political punsters know what we think? We don't even know what we think because there's too much chatter – Medicare Gold, old growth forests, border protection - blah blah blah. It's been said that when a person goes into a voting booth they bring with them "the imprint of the hopes and fears, the prejudices and assumptions of their family, friends and neighbors." So fundamentally we're influenced most by the things that experts can't count or fit neatly into their bureaucratically designated boxes. How do you measure hope, optimism and the desire to belong to a community that reflects how you want to live?

Sick of the dross cascading from both sides of the propaganda heap, I decided to indulge in a little hocus pocus and do a ouija board using SMS and a special Telstra rate for connection to the other side. The dead have much to tell us as long as you ask politely and let them finish chewing their food first.

Albert Einstein the physicist – not the chiropodist – came through with this piece of advice: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former." Clearly Albert is referring to our being lured by proposed tax cuts; there's no such thing because the government always ends up with more of our money. One expert said that the average taxpayer works three months out of every year for the government; I find that amazing because I don't think that people that work for the government work three months out of every year for the government.

Mae West had this to offer, "I don't know much about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one." Is Mae thinking that Bob Hawke is running again? Or is the message that we should be suspicious of the free, all-expenses-paid, study trip to an aluminum smelter in the south of France or reaforrestation scheme in the Swiss Alps? I think the appropriate word here is junket.

The Prime Minister's middle name is Winston, so when Sir Winston Churchill appeared, I knew his message had a clue for us about the Coalition's leadership. "Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." He's trying to let us know that we need to stop asking Peter Costello if he wants to be leader. Sure, the Treasuer's got an endearing Charlie Brown cartoon quality about him because he never seems to get any older or wiser. But that smirk of his has such a looting quality about it, dontchyathink?

Auspiciously, Sophie Tucker showed up with a message for those of us in doubt about superannuation. "From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash."

Play nice and tick all the boxes.