RACHEL'S COLUMNS
These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age
A star is born but divas have to learn their art
1st October 2004
Barbra Streisand is a diva Amanda Vanstone is not. How does one identify that special ingredient that separates the women from the girls in the prima-donna stakes? What's the difference between Britney Spears and Madonna? Or, Janet Jackson and Aretha Franklin? Celine Dion and the late Celia Cruz? Talent, for sure, is an important component, but beyond talent what is it that makes our eyes water with love and fear at the same time? At this year's Melbourne International Arts Festival which celebrates the VOICE, we'll have a jukebox-full of opportunities to belt out a tune, get croaky – wake up the next morning feeling like someone's shoved a doona down our throat – and blissfully want to do it all over again at another venue. The festival is not only delivering world-class talent on stage but also supplying world-class opportunities for workshops and every kind of exploration possible to do with the voice. But why is there no diva workshop?
If I'm willing to unleash my voice for two weeks then I must also be given ample opportunity to liberate my inner diva. Let's face it, the whole singing caboodle and especially opera, is bursting with superhuman falsettos, girls possessed, people who die and come back to life and couples radiating happiness. Country and Western is heavy with "she/he done me wrong" songs while yodeling is about as close to God as you can get apart from Eddie McGuire's dressing room. What other area of the Arts has the potential for so much anxiety delivered with gusto and a melody? It's inevitable that while participating in this arena one is vulnerable to getting caught up in a diva moment.
So what steps must be taken to become a diva? To "fill the stage before uttering a word and suck the oxygen out of it". What tactics should I employ to successfully transfix my audience? The first skill to be mastered surely must be sustained flamboyant loud-mouthed yelling and foot stomping with a few one-off classes in throwing and smashing gestures. Sessions would last for several hours and can I suggest the Brisbane Lion's forward Jonathan Brown should lead them. One would also have to manage one's appetite and refuse to eat anything that wasn't cut into bite-size musical shapes or whatever one's personal backstage rider specified.
To acquire the necessary uncompromising attitude the wannabe diva must be trained to roll her tongue along the roof of her mouth so that it snaps down hard on the letter N, when she repeats the word "NO", emphatically to anyone who comes near her regardless of age or gender. At the end of each day a diva's voice must have rest. Other than sleep, the next best thing is to recline comfortably on gold-embroidered velvet cushions and open her mouth only to discharge orders for more champagne and oysters.
The great opera divas spend their lives on stage dying and singing, leaping and singing, looking in mirrors deep inside mysterious castles, collapsing in tears and singing. They deliver heart-stopping glances and squeeze their hands till their fingers are blue and eventually there's some kind of sword action, somebody is impaled and the whole thing is over. To pull this off you have to have a huge personality and something real to tell your audience – not an easy ask. Witness the lacklustre campaign appearances of our political leaders both currently hocking their dots around the country – they're about as exciting as limp celery.
Some divas, the mezzo-sopranos, who do the whole sultry interpretation of the role of Carmen schtik, travel with their own humidifier, mattress pad and sage. Sage, you ask? It's an energy cleanser which removes any nasties left by the person who stayed in the room before them. High maintenance? Certainly and why not, they're divas! Myself, I like to gargle with egg-whites, they're full of collagen, which according to a reliable source (my mother) helps to repair any abrasions in your throat. But please don't try gargling with pavlova – it's not the same.
In an era of mass-produced pleasure, it's truly exhilarating to find your own unique handcrafted voice – whatever it sounds like! So get out of the shower, be bold, brassy and sing wherever you can. Practice your scales and arpeggios, order room service and just sparkle darlings!
