RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

Ringside seats to the flakiest show on earth
16th July 2004

Yes, yes, I know no firm date has been announced, but unlike Donald Trump and his hairdo, let's not delude ourselves, we should accept the truth- the Election circus is back in town.  It's in the streets and on the tellie, dribbling through the radio and sparking into our consciousness via underground cables.  A penny arcade of hustlers and freak shows designed to lull our suspicions and distract us from the real harbingers of chaos.

Roll up, roll up, roll up and see Multiple Man – a hideous creature who assumes a multitude of shapes and policies by using just one dental technician and a villainous treasurer.  "Come on in!"  Shouts the chorus line of the Shady-Deal Makers and Low-lifes burlesque show.  "You too can guarantee your children a fat-free education and colour co-ordinated jobs to match, by simply voting for our man."  I adore federal politics; just thinking about the current issues gives me the same feeling as being made love to by a man – especially the part where he says, "Sorry, this doesn't usually happen!"

These words ring in my ears as they bounce off the walls at the White House – where the final report of the commission investigating the attacks on September 11 dismissed the intelligence as being flawed – and echo into Tony Blair's bathroom at Downing Street.  And this ladies and gentlemen following on from last week's headliner, ta-dah – that the CIA had exaggerated the evidence that Iraq had stockpiled chemical and biological weapons and was pursuing nuclear arms – the main justification for last year's invasion.

We're told that things are moving forward according to the Government.  But the Opposition's spin is that we're in a lake-full of crapola.  "Pick a card," says a sleight-of-hand expert.  "Any card – and we'll write the policy to suit."  The rage I feel from the daily twittering of newspersons makes me grind my teeth into powder finer than sherbet.  The media are missing the point because they report events from the narrowest perspectives or party political advantage and the likely winners and losers of the next election.  So, a lowering of interest rates is not reported as part of a normal business cycle, or even it's impact on anybody, but only as a crisis for the government and the election's outcome.  "Today, ministers Suzie Sourpuss and Herbert Crustypants rammed their sausage rolls into the Opposition's policy pie as an indication of their strenuous opposition to that party's promise of increased spending on Iced Vovos and the gradual sliding apart of Wagon Wheels."

I suppose if a government is bored, spending money on guns and ships and sending more troops to Iraq is less draining than thinking about solutions and seizing opportunities.  This is the equivalent of Viagra for an over-tired and struggling to get-on-top government.  Who cares if Australia's credibility just got buried, the main man's popularity is soaring at Turkey Heights and the other guy – well, he's got a new buddy in Kim Beazley.  And doesn't Kim look like a second-grader who's just been told he can have a puppy?

Call me an idiot, but from the hole I'm poking my nose through, it would seem that nobody's keen to make any runs, they just don't want to lose their wicket.  There are no guarantees guys!  The ancient Egyptians thought they had it sorted by getting themselves buried with everything they'd need for an after-life.  Stuffed amongst their shrouded remains were their equivalents of a pop-up toaster, a footy, some tobacco and papers and a leaf-blower.  The big news is – there is no after-life and even if there was, our currency would still be less than the US dollar.

You could say that Labor's antics are like an X-rated movie, you never know what's coming off or who's going to be on top.  And as far as our Prime Minister – is he actually on premises or just on the payroll?  So when you're ready to check out the circus, my advice is to get a front-row seat.  When the fan dancers and acrobats have done their shtick, carefully scrutinize the clown hero of the day.  Examine the way he crosses his eyes and slaps his forehead – does he seem real behind the painted smile?