RACHEL'S COLUMNS
These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age
Sniffing out lust is winter's no-brainer
4th June 2004
Winter is the season of heavy hearts and lightweight relationships. Nature's clever plan is to numb our nasal passages with freezing wind so that we're immune to our own stale odors as well as every-one else's. Our noses are red and wet with cold, while our lips are as white and dry as the federal coalition. This combination worn with explorer-socks, mittens, a beanie and several skivvies may indeed discourage some potential suitors, but winter is the perfect season to fall in lust. Beneath the dark and damp layers of synthetic fibres our bodies glitter with sweat as we imagine an external source of warmth more indulgent than a sheepskin underlay.
Winter is also the season of olfactory wantonness: we're led far too easily by our noses to places we wouldn't normally venture into. The combined bouquet of rotting leaves, damp wood smoking in an open fire-place and burnt mozzarella on reheated pizza, invites us to buy fake tanning creams, drink hot red wine and flirt with strangers at the footy.
We arrive at work and settle into over-heated offices, gradually removing each layer of clothing, unknowingly announcing ourselves to potential partners through powerful pheromones. A pheromone is a chemical substance secreted externally by animals (us included) that acts as a signal to attract some, but repel other animals of the same species. Unless you're an AFL footballer, in which case you attract a range of species from white breasted bee-eaters to traffic wardens.
To give you some idea of how powerful pheromones are, a debt-collecting company in England got male testosterone from sweat glands (I'd like to know how you'd advertise that job at Centrelink) and made it into a mixture which they sprayed onto overdue bills they wanted paid. The idea was that people would get such a fright on opening these testosterone infused bills that they'd pay them immediately. I don't know if it was successful, but if someone sent me a piece of paper laced with testosterone I'd cut it up into small chewable squares and distribute them amongst my girlfriends.
Recent research has revealed that it's not simply pheromones that attract animals to each other. The choosier of the pair – usually the female – seeks a mate that displays the most balance between the left and right halves of the body – a member of the Democrats? In searching for symmetry she gets clues to the state of the male's health, immune system and genes. Personally, I prefer a misshapen nose and crooked teeth to the diet-vanilla blandness of perfect beauty, but according to experts symmetry is the all important ingredient to desirability.
Female zebra finches prefer males with symmetrically banded legs to those with bands of different colours on each leg. This may explain why St.Kilda's luck has shifted since wearing their more symmetrical Collingwood wannabe jumpers – but not why women find the Freemantle Dockers irresistible when their stripes are about as alluring as a pair of mismatched leg warmers.
To add to the confusion, when research biologist Marc Breedlove – no, I didn't make that up – put ten male rats in cages with females given hormones to make them welcome any advances, it made no difference if the male rat's right ear was the same as the left or, if he stank of fish and had a hacking cough, every rat got lucky!
When Mr Breedlove put nine male rats in cages with females given hormones to rebuff all advances, it made no difference if the male rat's whiskers extended in a mirror image from the centre of his nose or if he had the proportions of a rodent Adonis – no meant NO! After a month Breedlove found that the male rat's brains who'd been going hard at it were much smaller than those who'd been rejected by their significant others.
Some of you may be thinking that this means that abstinence makes the brain bigger or possibly as one friend suggested, if you're getting heaps, who needs a brain. This winter I'm putting my brains in storage with my sarongs and bathers and placing an ad in the personals.
Female seeks male for seasonal liason.
Crooked smile and some unsightly flab around the hips is acceptable.
No brains required but large collection of take-away menus would be advantageous.
If interested send sample menus.
