RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

On a wing and a (unwanted) prayer
5th March 2004

"We've just leveled off at our cruising altitude, folks.  According to the computer, we're anticipating an on-time arrival in New York.  And now, I'd like all Christians to raise their hands."

I'm not making this up; it was the message on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles about three weeks ago.  The pilot was relieved of duties pending an internal investigation because passengers complained that he was proselytizing.  He talked about a Christian mission he'd been on and encouraged discussion about religion-talk about having a captive audience!  How much gasbagging do we want from the cockpit anyway?  We're not supposed to use a mobile phone when we're driving a car, so why should a pilot be allowed to blabber on while he's the boss of us all in a humungous flying bus?

Thank god, I wasn't on that flight, if I had been I'd have marched up to his perch and made pretend sawing actions in the air with my plastic knife.  We have to absorb so much information on every flight these days; from putting up our tray – why?  So we don't block the rear view vision of the pilot?  To remembering where the exits are, twirling our ankles around like two year olds so we don't get blood clots and blowing that stupid whistle while removing our stilettos.  Who the hell is ever going to hear you in the middle of the ocean with that tiny whistle?

During a recent bout of bad turbulence I panicked and all these memorised details turned to omelet.  I pulled off my shoes, flung them into the face of the person behind me and threw myself face down into the brace position.  By the time things had settled down, I was a tangle of blanket, headphones and safety belt.  I'd perspired so badly during the ordeal that the spew bag had attached itself to my face like that creature in The Aliens and the flight attendant had to peel it off with a pair of plastic tongs.

Aircraft are not churches posing as aircraft.  Today it's a sermon – tomorrow?  A singles bar where you buy a ticket, get seated next to a stranger and after take-off the pilot reads out the "match.com" details of the person you've scored?

A recent survey amongst travelers found that they don't like jokes from the pilot, especially thigh-slapping favorites like, "On the right hand side is The Great Barrier Reef, but don't all move to the right at once or we'll tilt."  What we do want is the truth about delays and information about turbulence delivered in a re-assuring way and minimal interruption during movies.  There's nothing more boring than a pilot who drones on about wind velocity and the weight of the aircraft.  I like the strong silent type who I know will look after me during a storm or foggy weather and tell me exactly what kind of a landing he's expecting.

The skies are no longer as friendly as they once were, nor are some of the new rules.  On a recent flight to New York we were not permitted to stand around the toilets chatting.  Don't misunderstand, this is not my favorite location for meeting people.  But bloated with airplane food and desperate to escape from the guy next to me who was slumped and dribbling all over my shoulder in his sleep, the queue to the lavatory was like basking in golden sunshine.  Sadly, I was asked to return to my seat.

I also worked out that the pilot will never make references to lightening, dense fog or dangerous thunderstorms – nuh uh!  "Some bumps" means turbulence, "haze" or "restricted visibility" translates as fog and "rain showers" means thunderstorms.  A "new arrival time" means we'll be arriving late and "last minute maintenance" means there's a delay due to mechanical problems.

Finally, for any pilot reading this who may still wish to use the cockpit instead of a pulpit, I suggest you put the lyrics to Tom Lehrer's famous masterpiece, "The Vatican Rag" up on the screen and have a karaoke sing-a-long.

"First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries.
Bow your head with great respect and
genuflect, genuflect, genuflect."